Confessions of reality

Everyone gets in a rut now and again, yes?! I am all about keeping it real. Life is life. It is not perfect. It is hard. It is a never ending constant roller coaster of emotions, controlled chaos and hoops.

I have been in one for half of the summer. I have tried to not let it affect things. I still take my kids to fun things. We have been on vacation to the beach and a small get away to camp. We go on weekly play dates. We do weekly swimming and dinner with friends. We have been frequent visitors to the zoo.
 
But I have officially popped. Like a nasty pimpled on your forehead. POP

I have been feeling blue. Down. Not like myself. More of just a mom of three. I have not even really felt like a wife lately. I feel as if I lost the person that I used to be. I am tired. Exhausted. Frustrated.  Over whelmed and under appreciated.

My stress level is through the roof. There really is no end in sight for it. I really never talk about it because there is no use in being a negative Nancy to friends and family. Situations arise and you work at them. However, since I hit my breaking point on holding it all in...I am going to blog about it. I will get it all out and maybe I will feel better. Maybe. If not then tis life.

I work. A lot. On a typical week, I work more than 40 hours squished into 4 days. I am very thankful that my company allows me to work 4 days to avoid more daycare costs. To be honest, when my kids are in daycare, I am not making much. 2 toddlers in a daycare is costly. However, working long hours has its negatives. Dinner is rushed. Baths are rushed. Very little down time at night.
My job is not easy. I have to maintain a level of 99% accuracy to keep it. I research contracts. Apply them. Crunch numbers. All while being next to perfect. Stress all the live long day.

I have 3 kids to keep up with. 2 of which are toddlers who constantly get into things, climb, run in opposite directions, need held tons and cannot do anything for themselves. The tween is in his lovely hormonal period of life. It is almost deal-able on a good day but on a bad day, whoa! Stress every day. Some days are good stress, other days not so much. I have gray hairs. TONS of them with my kids' names written all over.
The days that I work, the kids are here (except during the school year they are at daycare one day a week) with a sitter. I can hear them. The house is not really quiet.  I can tune them out with listening to music or the television. It is still not easy. I manage. I do get frustrated. I deal.
I have horrible mommy guilt when I can hear them call out for me and cry because they just want to sit on my lap. Or when I go through the living room to use the rest room or get a drink from the kitchen, they latch on like little monkeys. All of it puts extra stress on me. Makes me feel like a horrible mom that I am not able to stay home with them full time.
Not only are the kids a bit stressful during the day, but they are at night too. Both toddlers are up at least once every single night. It is rare when they both sleep through. This has left me tired and drained. Making my body and mind more pushed to the limit!

I have no hired help for the house. Gary and I do all the cleaning. All the laundry. All the projects. All the shopping. All the outside work. For those of you who can afford extra help, you are lucky. I am a bit jealous! I cannot do both hired help and a daycare day. I wish I could. There are 10 million things that I would rather be doing than scrubbing a toilet or mopping a floor. The hardest part is that we have toddlers and they will not allow us to get things done. Gary and I have to basically take turns with cleaning and watching the kids to get it done and avoid non stop crying.

I feel like I have a roommate and not a husband. Not because either one of us is doing something wrong. Or that we are no longer in love. Just because there is very little time to ourselves. Most week days we do not even get a chance to have a normal conversation. It makes things rough.

I love my kids. I love my husband. I love my family. I call our house organized chaos. Which it really is. I am an organized person but the crazy has taken over. I fell over whelmed almost daily.

With all of this going on, I have been thinking non stop about a way to make things better. Easier. More organized in hopes to give me more time in a day. A moment to breath. A few minutes to have time with my husband. Maybe sleep through the night.

My ideas are spreadsheets, calendars and better routines. Things will be getting tight shipped around here. Bed times are going to be earlier. Strict with new rules. Chores will be done daily in an organized way.

I will start doing things to make myself feel better. I will get healthy. I will bring back the person that I used to be. The person who is not just a working mom of three or a wife. I will be bringing Tracy back. 

My hopes are that things start to get easier after we take the initial month to get used to all the changes. I figured with school starting next week that there is no time like the present. Hoping that my stress goes down. My laughs go up. We acquire more time in a day. I smile more. I frown and worry less. Get back everything that I feel has gone astray.

I am sure that I am not alone. I know people go through things and may not be strong enough to share. I am hoping that me opening up will allow someone else to have the strength to let out what is going on inside them.