This is one of those posts that I have written a crazy amount of times yet I have always deleted them. I do not want to be seen as one of those people. I do not want to be a frequent complainer. Seriously, no one likes that. I do not want to be whiny person. Seriously, no one likes that either. However, I do live with some constant battles daily and feel like now is the time to dump it out. Let my mind free itself! Bitching here is so much cheaper than therapy ;) I am a very hard on myself type person. I do not cut myself any slack. Ever. There, I said it!
I am a person who lives in a constant state of pain. I had back surgery a few years ago. It helped for a bit, however, the pain is back. No pun intended, ha! My lower back, hips and left leg throb constantly. I do have good days where it is not as bad. I tolerate it. I HAVE to. I have a job, a family and a house to take care of. I put myself last, always. It is what a mother is supposed to do, right? But the constant pain leads me to be harder on myself in reaching goals since some things take me longer than it should. (keeping the house clean, having fun with my family, trying to working out, carrying my kids around...because those all cause me even more pain but I feel horribly guilty if I do not do it) I just do not talk about it a ton because of the fear of turning into one of those people.
With my job, I have to basically be perfect. Very little mistakes can be made or it could cost you the job. I get very anxious every time my work is audited. I get angry with myself if I make a dumb error. Sometimes I cannot let it go and it eats me up inside. My job is not easy, especially on a perfectionist! What makes it even harder is that it is NOT my career. It is my job. I like the people I work with and enjoy working from home. However, I did not go to school to do what I do. I am not paying tens of thousands of dollars in student loans to do this. (I cannot find a job making the money that I do with the degree that I have, too many companies want 10-15 years experience and I will never get that without actually finding a job first, heh) The stress of the job and the stress of paying for something that I am not using makes me very hard on myself. WHY can I not find a job? WHAT am I doing wrong? All a perfect storm for someone who is hard on themselves.
The kids. I love them but they are all at challenging ages. All in those special years where you feel like hiding from them in a corner. Rocking back and forth like a baby. They make me feel like a less then adequate Mom when they do not listen or are not respectful and blah blah blah. I know that it will end and they will begin new stages and be so awesome all the time. It just kinda bites when they are all tantrum and melt downy.
At home, I am even harder on myself...if that is even possible?! I cannot stand when my house is not clean. I hate it when there is clutter, it truly gives me anxiety. And yes, I do have 2 toddlers and a tween. So...you see where I am going
with this, right? Gary and I do all the cleaning, we have no hired help. It is not easy to keep up with when you both work full time. And yet I do not cut myself slack, I just can't. Our bathroom has been under remodel for months. We have a billion other things that need to be started and finished. We must finish up this house so that we can put it on the market and buy our forever dream home BEFORE Dominic finishes high school.
So...with all of that said, I am trying to ease up on myself. I am trying to know that everything will get done and that my house does not need to be perfect. That when you are a full time working family with multiple kids, things need to be put aside so that you do not loose your mind. Someday soon, I hope to actually realize this!