As I sat at my lap top making Charlie's first birthday video, I cried. A lot. Tears were streaming down my face and Logan kept on giving me hugs and asking if I was okay. I, of course, told him that I am fine but just a bit sad.
I realized today that I never had mixed emotions when the boys turned one. I was excited to watch them grow! However, with Charlie, I am an emotional wreck. I am torn. Torn between loving watching my daughter turn into a toddler and yearning to hold my squishy newborn.
I think because she is our last baby that it is throwing me a for a loop. I want to grab her and hold on. Stop time and just keep her all for myself. Completely selfish, no?
I know that my heart wanted one more baby. But my mind is sure that 3 children is enough. I physically could not handle another pregnancy. I know that. I took surgical measures to ensure another baby is not an option.
With all of that said, why am I so heart broken seeing her grow up?